Feeling a loss that’s not much of a loss.
I am sure people who read my blog are well aware of how emotional or dramatic of a person I can be. It’s cringey. I look back at past moments and I’m just speechless. I found an old video of me ranting about something and you could just see the legitimate anger on my face. I had to pause, ask myself if that is who I wanted to be, and evaluate my behaviors from the past.
With everything I have dealt with in the last year or even previous from that, it does not surprise me that I have reacted in horrible ways. No excuse. I have also been struggling with the amount of people that have lost faith in me or just no longer wanted to have a part in my life. That hurt. But that was the “karma” for my actions and reactions.
The journey to see and find inner peace has been rough. I have failed, given up, lost people, lost sight, but most importantly I lost myself. I started doing so many desperate things to be liked and accepted and grew more negative thoughts for myself. I needed to grow and I really need to find myself. I need to start over. I need to really sit down and figure out what kind of person I want to be, how I want to react to future conflict, and how I want to be seen and heard.
I want to accept that I am no longer who I was when I entered adulthood. I am no longer the first time mother. I no longer have a circle that I surround myself with. I didn’t even want to associate myself with anyone that could potentially put those negative thoughts out there.
The right way to do it.
Isolating yourself from the people you have left is a sure way to have absolutely no one left. Sometimes forcing myself out into uncomfortable situations was needed in order for me to experience things that I needed to. I got so accepting of sitting at home in my room and not responding to anyone because I just couldn’t. Self loathing is real real real. But that’s something you need to pull yourself out of when you realize it’s not serving you. I was tired of being sick. So I got up and saw several doctors until one listened to me and started numerous tests to figure it out. I was tired of being negative and upset so I bought several journals for different feelings I have so I don’t project it onto anyone else or anywhere else. I started making plans to do things and followed through instead of making last minute excuses to cancel. I listened to what people said that was hard to deal with and I thought about it. Did I agree with everything? No. But I’ll be damned if I’m not trying.
My kids are that constant reminder that I have always wanted to and needed to give them the best life possible. I am not doing that. That really hit hard. I am not trying my best for them. So I’m trying harder.